Am I okay?

Ruchira Darda

I am mindful about my routine, I work out regularly, I eat right (on most days). By these standards, I should be a size zero. But I am not. Every day, I struggle harder wondering if tomorrow I will be the size I want to be. And each morning, I wake up to the realisation that I am not. I am a coach, I know how frivolous this is, but I also know how each day unconsciously that’s all I want.

Last evening, I called my mom, without a moment's thought I asked her, “Am I okay? Do I still need to try harder?” For the last couple of months, my mom has been all about, eat more Ruch, be chill, and I am suddenly left in no-man's-land. Hence, I had to ask her what she meant by that. You see, since I was a teenager all I heard my mom tell me was, eat less. Eat right. Be skinny. In my mother’s defense, she didn’t know better, she was trying her very best to raise her daughters right, and I give her a 99/100 for it. She lost a point in a restaurant where she didn’t let me order fries, haha. But jokes apart, all those conversations around being skinny and smaller and thinner, left me believing thin was beautiful. I am not a size zero or even close, hence I never felt I was beautiful. That only led to me never taking a compliment about my looks seriously, I always viewed it with suspicion and pushed it aside.

It wasn’t just my mom, when I delivered my first son and had gained a tonne of weight, everywhere I went, I was advised to lose weight. I didn’t know then I was suffering from post-partum depression because of it. I went to each family gathering with fear in my heart, never ate, even if I was starving (although I was feeding my baby) and cried every night. I made myself believe my husband didn’t find me beautiful either, then what it was all downhill for a while. Until I got my body back.

But it was what it was, never size zero. Why write this today? Because, I watch many young mothers tell their teenage daughter to not eat so they can be thin. I watch young girls all of age 12 or 13 come to a birthday party and eat only salad leaves, never the slice of pizza or a dollop of cake. It’s going to happen again. To so many more, if we don’t talk about it.

I am never going to be this very tiny size you know why, because my bone structure is different from yours and so many others. But I can be me, this gorgeous size that I am. But I know today that my beauty is not from the size I am, it is a sum total of who I am, I am strong cause I work out like a beast, I am smart because I struggle for my goals, I am kind for I win hearts with my acts of love, I am awesome because I am me. So, I did ask my mother yesterday when she said, “Ruch, just eat what you like, you should.” I couldn’t resist, I had to ask her, “Ma, am I ok now, is this okay, do I look fine?” She instantly said, “You are beautiful Ruchi, the most beautiful woman I know.”

I heaved a sigh of relief, I made it. I made it to me!