May I kiss you?

Parenting was supposed to be easy. Everyone does it. What’s so hard about it? That’s what I heard on days when I felt overwhelmed. I felt like a failure on those days, not because I was struggling but because I felt I was the only one not getting the hang of it. That changed eventually but it left me with an understanding that’s exactly what my child would feel if I were to ever say ‘every child does it or what’s the big deal.’ Like my sister says, “Pain is relative.” So is our capacity to endure pressure, be it physical or mental. Kindness and empathy are keys.

Last week, I signed up for a Sex Educator Trainers Programme. My intention was to prepare myself for the milestones my children will soon be crossing. Session one was so much discovery I was actually excited about everything I had learnt. But then, Session two was about Child Abuse. Five out of five participants, men and women included, spoke about having been abused as a child. I felt rage. I felt my blood in my face. I felt like punching the wall. Today, I didn’t wanna talk about abuse. Actually, I wanted to talk about consent. But I guess my mind is wandering back and forth. For now, I will stick to consent because I want to share something first. What is consent to you? When we hear these words we think of sex. But consent is just giving someone respect. It’s just accepting and respecting their choices. Then parents ask me how do we teach our children that? You teach them by giving respect to them too.

My younger son doesn’t like to be kissed and hugged. I love kissing him, he is soooo cute. But I stop to ask him, ‘I feel like kissing you, may I.’ On most days, he says yes, and then quickly wipes off traces of my lipstick from his face. Cutie pie. Consent begins when we change their clothes, when we feed them food. Seen mothers stuffing their children’s face with food even though he says I am not hungry, I don’t wanna eat. Mothers feel they know their children’s appetite or needs, sure maybe, but are you going to be with him every second of the day. Let him learn to trust his own instincts. If he is left hungry, next time he will be more alert, he will eat better. But in doing that, you are also teaching him to respect people’s choices, versus the message we were giving earlier, “I know what’s best for you.” In knowing his views matter, he will pass on the same courtesy to another. And the chain of respect and consent will be maintained.

Raising kids was never meant to be easy, but it becomes easier if you raise yourself as a person first.

Parenting and Relationship Coach