The Why & The How of bringing families on the same page; Raising children with awareness and consensus

Ruchira Darda

Author, Mindfulness and parenting coach

One of the most common battles families face is building an agreement on how to raise the child.

Clients share stories of how something they want to practise with their child is so easily vetoed by the mother-in-law. Sometimes, the two parents are just unable to come to a consensus, leaving the child to take advantage of the situation.

What is the problem? In India, children are not raised by parents alone, in several homes grandparents co-parent as well. There may also be opinions or influences of aunts and uncles if they share a home.

Why is that a struggle? As a parent, you want to do certain things your way. Your idea of how things should be stems from the needs of your personality, your experiences and your belief system. They will obviously differ from those of your partner or your families. As individuals, we all have our own versions of what we believe to be right or wrong.

Too many opinions, too much debate: Since different members of the family operate at different frequencies it becomes the reason for debate and dissatisfaction. The constant debate causes an environment of stress which can turn into anxiety for the kids. Our differences also leave the children confused as to which direction to follow eventually also leading them to use this gap to manipulate the elders into giving in to their needs and choices.

The big change: Parents should always have the final say into how the child is to be raised, what works for them and which belief system they would like to follow. We usually also have disagreements with our spouses, what to do then? The first rule of parenting should be to educate yourself with skills and information. It's like you study any subject, parenting also has certain laws that need to be learnt by all parents. If you can do this as a couple it makes life so many times easier. Secondly, to align your goals and expectations, you must do a goal setting exercise with each other and understand what is important to each of you as parents and why. This knowledge builds empathy and awareness. Then set up some basic ground rules that you both agree on. Finally, in case of disagreement which parent should have the final say. Departmentalise parent responsibilities like you do work.

One single rule: The ground rules are the ones that have no exception, whether the grandparent wants to veto it or the spouse. Of course, don't drive yourself crazy by being rigid, be a little flexible as and when the situation requires.

New ways to create an environment of inclusion: Now that we set our authority and rules, be mindful to take everyone along. create space for everyone to have their ways of pampering the children or being involved in their lives. Give them space and a small area of control/connection too. Most often, we will practise one style of parenting philosophies, having this variety helps prepare the child for the real world.

And if things are not aligned with your goals, either of you can step in and set the balance right mindfully.