Ruchira Darda
Anumodana AnumodanaKaranji Bahut Bahut Anumodana
My phone was buzzing constantly with messages congratulating Mr K, my husband on completing the Herculean challenge of dry fasting for 8 days in a row. According to the Jain Paryushan Parva, this kind of tapasya (austerity) is of great significance. Everyone was celebrating, wherever we went strangers paused to share their joyous feelings. All words of appreciation ended with a common question, aimed at me, ‘You must be so proud?’ A few eager aunts also added, ‘Why didn’t you fast with him?’
I was proud, I am always proud of him. But my heart felt differently. I was scared. I detested everyone who was encouraging this madness. He had not eaten for 5 days and he was following his regular work schedule, I was worried. At night, I saw him moan in pain. His legs hurt, he couldn't sleep. He hadn’t eaten a morsel in 6 days but he was getting heartburns. We didn't sleep those last few nights.
Cynics will surely comment saying, this was about him and I am making this about me. But it was about me too. I stayed up those nights watching him in pain. I massaged his aching feet. I saw him struggle with rashes. I know I jumped up every time he tossed and turned, to see if he was okay. I woke up every few minutes to check if he was breathing. I gently touched his back to see if his heart was beating.
It is about me. As a partner, his wife, it was a frightening experience. We lean so much on each other, I don't know if it was justified to put me through those emotions. Going to bed with a big ‘What If’ in my heart that kept me awake all night. I experienced the same anxiousness I had when my children were babies and I stayed up all night to ensure their safety. Post the fasting, things don't automatically go back to normal, but the rest of the world does. Our sleepless nights continued and so did the bodily discomforts. I received many words of appreciation for my service to my husband, but I couldn't accept them. My care had a selfish motive, his safety. At the end, I was left exhausted and depleted.
I know this was about him, but it was as much about me. Being his wife, this is just my experience. I know, I wouldn't be able to put him through this kind of anxiety, but that’s just my point of view.